Is this growing up?

Сега завинаги ще го свързвам с А., обаче какво пък, нали.

Words are failing me.
I have absolutely no fucking idea what to say, or write, or feel, or do because, truth be told, there’s nothing to say, write, feel or do.
I’m still trying to comprehend.
I read that you’re not supposed to expect closure in grief.
But I need truth like I need oxygen and there’s no one in this world who can give me my truth.
I just want to stop being so angry. So enraged.