I’m (not) all out of faith

//разрових си черновите, има интересни неща
на колко ли неща съм дала живот (който вероятно не заслужават)
почнала съм да го пиша лятото
явно сега е моментът да го довърша
и всъщност що да не заслужава живот//

I had a revelation
once upon this summer
as I was headed to the bus stop
(to go some place else
to crawl beneath other people’s veins
to mingle my magical miscellaneous charm into other people’s lives
that
after so many years
of grief, desperation, rejection,
and, finally, ignorance
for the only person who made me question
why I was born
and whether I would ever be loved
it hit me
I am
indeed
worthy and lovable
and I deserve so much more
than he could ever give me
and I think
I have
most probably
received it
but
still
I miss you, dad
and I’m sorry
I couldn’t tell you
something other than
I hate you
I despise you
I’ll never forgive you
I should’ve been
the better man
in my life
in the absence of a man in general
but I wasn’t
I couldn’t bring myself up to it
and now I regret it
though I’m perfectly aware I couldn’t have saved you
Sometimes I’m scared
I’ll never forgive and forget
but then love hits me
music hits me
life hits me
hard
and I stop thinking
and though I’m not currently letting go of
the thought of how much you hurt me
Cheers, Dad
to wherever you are now
and whatever you are
and I say cheers cause
I know you’d like it
and cause I don’t know what else to say
and for now
this’ll have to do